Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant