Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
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Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.