*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Yup.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.