CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
So that’s what we looked like?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.