Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.