(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?