Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh