@robdelaney Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
@Reverend_Scott Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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@robdelaney 
@JessObsess *Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
@internetluke [vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
@longwall26 Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
@Death_Buddy You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
@WilliamAder First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
@realfunghi Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
@topaz_kell Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
@topaz_kell I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
@MommyingHard Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”