[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking