Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
You Might Also Like
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
New comic up. “Ransom”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break