@OrdinaryAlso

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

@halfbottlevodka

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@RiotGrlErin

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

@Reverend_Scott

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

@PrincesaBallena

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

@WilliamAder

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.