carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*


Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.


In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.


[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”


8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!


I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.


If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.