carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
yall want some gasoline milk
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.