Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
You Might Also Like
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.