Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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being a writer on Twitter:
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres