CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
This could be us but you eatin’
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant