*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *