Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream