Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?