[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.