Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
set yourself free xox
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’