@GrantTanaka

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

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@rachelle_mandik

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@ilovepie84

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

@karanbirtinna

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

@joeislamo

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

@ninjadinosaur1

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

@Maxine12333

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

@myonlymizztake

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…