[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Seems a bit forward
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.