Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
PARKOUR
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you