Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend