Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything