Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
what
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.