Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?