Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Facebook memories be like
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.