Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.