*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Succinctly put.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.