Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
This will never not be funny 😭
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people