@andshewasgone1 Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
@Brampersandon_ CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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@andshewasgone1 
@glamoureptile they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
@manofletterz Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
@murrman5 officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
@davetureq They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
@Landon8426 Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
@dafloydsta [bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
@Brianhopecomedy My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
@Lisa_Laughs_ They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
@MohitSharmaSays Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…