CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it


officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*


They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.


Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.


[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances


My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…