Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…