CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.