Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
sleeping beauty
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
How it started: How it’s going:
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
