Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Cake safety first. Always.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Denise please return my vape pen
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”