Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
wow
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻