CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.