@fightgeek

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

@Jandalize

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

@patnspankme

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

@batkaren

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

@stirthemoose

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

@SardonicTart

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.