cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.


Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?


I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.


My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.


People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.


Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.


If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?


Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*


Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.


Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.