cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”