CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Personal question. #JustSaying
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.