Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.