CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.