Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.