cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese