cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
You Might Also Like
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right