cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.