Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?