Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Science memes
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.