@squirrel74wkgn

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

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@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@UnFitz

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

@Spaziotwat

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

@Bamscakes_

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

@ToriTheMom

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.