@ilovepie84 This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
@squirrel74wkgn Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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@ilovepie84 
@moonstruckinnyc I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
@UnFitz Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
@KalvinMacleod My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
@AllRickAndMorty 
@Spaziotwat OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
@Bamscakes_ Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
@what_a_messs “Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
@nikitonsky We’ve come full circle
@ToriTheMom Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.