Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Good morning.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.