Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe