Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting