Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
This story is comedy gold 😂
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.