CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The news
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.