@heatherlou_ If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
@KirstenCatClub Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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@heatherlou_ 
@GrowlyGrego FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
@cherryzigzags I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
@thatdutchperson Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
@The1WhosCrazy “MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
@Home_Halfway Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
@AGStr8upNinja My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
@anerdonfire2 Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
@nsturden Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
@CatherineinAL “This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.