If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.