Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
This guy gets it.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick