Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one