CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Finally!
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe