cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
You learn something every day
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Swedish for common sense.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows